Lattu pe Lattu

EVEN THE MILL WORKERS HAD THEIR INANE DREAMS

In the narrow bustling lane of khinchwada, Lower Parel, taxi drivers and kids seemed to win maximum points for creating a noisy racket. In all this, private car drivers held a small share of the noise contribution. They usually whispered when they spoke of issues about the city, but when the talks of who-has-seen-what-big-house-where arose, their tone got preachy and screechy topping the annoyance level of a blackberry phone alarm. Prateek would often eavesdrop on these fancy ‘top-floor view’ stories of buildings he could never go into.

Mandar, one of the drivers staying there, was banging the window on his boss’s car and singing “Unchi hai building…lift teri bandh hai…kaise main aaon..dil raza mand hai” and then spoke with pride, “Boss, kya view dekha aaj maine yaar! Akkha Mumbai ek cheenti ki maafik dikh raha tha. Train jaise toy train ke maafik tha. Samundar itna bada hai be! Tune kabhi dekha hai? Maza aa gaya.”

Nitin said in excitement realizing Mandar’s immodesty “Kiska bungla tha?”

Mandar boasted “Bangla nahiii bantai... High raisss (high rise). Godrej building. Mera seth 50 maale pe rehta hai na.”

Tantya, cutting their banal conversation, said “Khush hone ki koi zaroorat nahi hai. Yeh sab building apun log ka cheen ke banaya hai”

Mandar defensively said, “Tantya bhai. Jala naka. Tu sirf jal raha hai.”

Tantya feigned an attack towards Mandar and said “Chammaila!” which was interrupted by a top that fell off Prateek’s hand onto Tantya’s feet.

Now to rewind back a little, Prateek was a junkie and a maniac with a devil-may-care attitude when it came to tops. He saw no evil. He saw no war. All his eyes desired were to see the tops spin all day. He also told his father once that soon he would open a business and sell tops and do stage shows. Little did he know that no one cared about tops as you cross the age of 10. To his fortune he hadn’t crossed the age barrier of the cursed conscience. He was still 8. To make matters worse, his grades in the government school were more hopeless than the Indian Polity. But this didn’t speak anything about his quick acting mind. He just couldn’t memorize too much. Another of his follies was that he unnecessarily ended up creating a wreck for his father all the time. One time, he spun the top loose right in front of an old man who was cycling passed that area. The man slipped and broke a few bones. He nearly died. So as punitive treatment, his father locked him into the toilet for a night. His father was none other than the cranky old man Tantya. But Prateek didn’t sense the gravity of the situation and so just laughed about on that incident whenever he chatted with his friends. But yes he did seem to have one superiorly inherent skill – A certain Agility that was unusual from his peers or anyone of that age.

So what about Tantya - Who could blame Tantya for his misery? His wife left him 3 years ago. All he had was this numbskull of a kid who dreamt of the silliest things that one can’t even imagine - selling tops apparently. He sometimes wondered “Wah! Kya sapna paaya hai!” But now, sadly, Prateek was the only thing he had to look forward to in life. The government had stolen his rightful homeland and secure mill job that coerced him into driving rich businessmen’s cars - Those that resided in the forlorn cement jungle of Lower Parel. He’d often look at the well clad men and half naked women coming to Blue Frog from his chawl’s window at night and feel that he would never be able to provide his son with any luxury. Swallowing sadness and suffocating himself to sleep with a pillow was just another daily routine.

Coming back to where we were - Prateek then picked up the top and was winding the rope around it to get ready for round 2. He was the official champ in the area. Everyone wanted to be in his team. He would usually play 2 on 2 with the neighbor’s kids. This led to him becoming conceited and made him believe that nothing could snatch his victory. It was that day when things changed for him. The opposite 2 players were booing his name, but Prateek remained undeterred. He spun the top with the same confidence and saw it roll with the gusto of a torpedo. He then decided it was time for tricks. He picked it up on his palm and switched between his frontal palm and rear palm. He then wanted to up the ante and so he raised his hand with the top gyrating at an unprecedented speed on his palm. To his misfortune, the sun’s glimmer reflecting off Godrej tower caught his eye and the speedy object abandoned his reach. The top was on the floor to everyone’s shock. But Prateek did not flinch a muscle. His eyes were transfixed on the tower. It was the first time that the beauty of a high rise had caught his fancy. All stories of the magnificent ‘views’ from the top floors gushed in from all sides. His objective was fixed. He had somehow to get to the top floor and 

have the privilege of witnessing Mumbai from up above.

As Prateek arrived home, juggling his new top that he had bought for Rs.100 earlier that day, his father’s blood started to boil. He couldn’t help but nag Prateek.

Tantya crankily, “ Meri saari mehnet ke kamai khatam karde tu!”

Prateek innocently, “Pappa, yeh skool fees se bach gaye the. Toh mujhe laga aapko nahi chahiye hoga”

Tantya then said with a sigh, “Tujhme kab akal aayegi beta! Khana laga diya hai. Aake kha le”

While eating, Prateek brought up the topic of going to the top floor of Godrej.

Prateek said abruptly, “Pappa, mujhe bhi who View dekhna hai”

Tantya, in confusion said, “Kaunsa view?”

Prateek, “Woh building ke upar se wala view!”

Tantya bitterly, “maar khana hai ya khana? Chup chaap kha”

Prateek “Please mujhe bhi le chalo na Duggal uncle ke ghar pe. Aap toh unki gaadi roz chalate ho aur roz chaabi lautane jaate ho na. please please pleaseeeeeee…

Tantya furiously said, “Prateek! Yeh sab woh Mandar aur ka kaam hain. Sab ke dimaag mein gobar bharte rehte hain. Kaam to karte nahi hain. Bas velapanti. Aur waise bhi, wahan jaane ki koi zaroorat nahi hai. Beta tu jaanta nahi hai humne kya kya saha hai. Tere pappa ka ghar and naukri chali gayi. Hum raste pe aa gaye the. Tujhe pata hain kyun? In buildingon ke wajah se ek footi kaudi nahin mili. Khunnas aata hai jab mein uske baare mein sochta hoon. (he then breathes and snaps out of the mood).  Tu apne padhai pe dhyan de. Bade ho ke tu bhi le lena aisa ghar.

Prateek ignorantly replied, “woh toh main loonga hi. Lattu ka business jo kholna hai”

Tantya just looks at him in shock and shakes his head in disappointment. He then gets up, picks up his plate and walks off.

The next day Prateek takes his beefy partner Munna to one side and convinces him to go to the top floor of Godrej Building with him. Munna was obviously frightened at the sheer thought that going inside a building would be walking into the lion’s den and they would get caught right away. His father and mother flashed right in front of his eyes with a cane in their hand each. Munna completely disagreed. But then Prateek bribed him that he would always play in his team and that way Munna would never loose in a game. Prateek then plotted with him the next day’s plan. Before taking leave, he asked Munna to carry his top with him. Munna just nodded his head without questioning.

The next day, they reached Godrej building at 3pm when the vehicles coming in and going out were less. Prateek noticed that 3 watchmen were at the entrance and a small wall (chhoti deewar) that they could jump was located at the extreme corner of the building. They could easily jump the wall but the chances of surviving after the jump would be scarce as the guards were walking around within the building. He then took out his top and asked Munna to do the same.

Prateek in a confident tone said, “Jab main bolunga tab lattu chhodna. Aur jaise main batata hoon waise karna”. Munna just nodded his head, having no clue what was going to happen.

Prateek shouted from the bottom of his belly, “Ab!”, signaling the release of the top. He then looked at Munna and whispered “ Peeche ki chhoti deewar se”

Now as both the tops were set in motion outside the gate of the building, the guards came to shoo Prateek off. He carried both the tops in each of his palms as a grand show of his skill. He then kept harassing the 3 rotund guards with his top by going really close and saying “Yeh watchman uncle ke sar pe girne wala hai.” And then threw one of the tops on the first guards face. It somewhat knocked his face without any injuries but irked the hell out of the guard. Prateek figured it was the perfect time to run before the guards turned him into a tandoori kabab. The first and the second guards chased him till the end of the road, just before the small wall, and the third guard stood outside the gate yelling “chhodna mat kameene ko” in all this. In the meanwhile Munna managed to enter the building from the side wall and put a sleeping tablet in the third guards’ glass of water, before the third guard could walk back to the gate, and then cheekily hid behind the pot. In no time, the third guard had passed out on duty.

On the other hand, Prateek obviously outraced the guards and jumped in from the same side as Munna who met him inside the building at the small wall. Now they had successfully entered the building. The next thing that baffled them was the other guards in each of the blocks. They saw a board pointing at each of the block in the different directions. They ran as fast as they could and very quietly arrived at one of the lift that read ‘Terra Block’. The lift man looked at them with suspicion. Prateek’s quick acting mind saw that half of the building was under construction and calculated an approximate amount of floors that were finished, and realized that the only job that they looked capable for was… “Upar construction ke kaam ke liye aaye hain.” After another round of calculation and exasperation he said, “35 maala.” The guard still thought there was something fishy but the lift didn’t give him much time to think and the floor arrived. The boys casually walked out and as they averted the liftman’s gaze, ran for their lives towards the stair case. They hurriedly climbed up the rest of the 5 floors to the empty terrace using the stairs that landed them onto the terrace floor.

What Prateek was going to see next was something so spectacular that his puny mind and heart could not handle. And literally! As he stepped onto that 40^th floor, he started feeling uneasy. He held Munna and said “Munna, mujhe dekhna hai yaar. View, View, voohoo…” just before fainting. Munna not knowing a thing to do in such an unfortunate event tried all the possible things. He searched Prateek’s pocket and ironically found more of the sleeping tablets. He bloated his eyes up and rolled it thinking “Iska kya karoon main!” and threw it away. He then found a top and its rope. 

He was yelling “prateek, uth jaaa. Dekh lattu humare paas. Kal phir se jeet jaayenge”. His attempts failed hook, line and sinker. He even tried to make Prateek smell the top and rope but nothing came of it. He, at the end, carried Prateek to the ground floor and asked the lift man for water to splash. Prateek woke up saying “nahi, mujhe nahi dekhna hai. Mujhe nahi dekhna hai. Main chote se ghar main reh loonga” incessantly. Munna hinted at Prateek to get up and leave quickly before they got into trouble. They slyly slipped up to the side wall from where they came in and just as they were jumping out saw the third guard  -  the tranquilized guard was still asleep. They broke into laughter when Prateek fainted again. This time Munna had to carry him home.

As his eyes opened he saw his low-lying ceiling and his father sitting right beside him.

Prateek “Papa mujhe nahi rehna bade building mein. Main bade ho ke aise he chawl loonga. Iss mein hi lattu baichunga!”

Tantya gives him a simple smile when Munna calls out to Prateek “aye Prateek, shart yaad hai ya nahi?” reminding him of the bet that he would always make Munna win.

Prateek runs out and confidently takes the top from Munna and spins with all his power. It was time to flaunt a bit. He picked it up in his palm and raised it against the backdrop of another high rise building. Just as the top was about to fall out of his hand he grabbed it, flashed a wry smile at Munna indicating that he was ready for another attempt at the rooftop and told the opposite team “Ab tumhari baari!”

How to motivate like a cow

So today my boss Nutash Mistry came up to me and saw me slacking at work. I was harmlessly beginning my mindless day by reading a book “How to motivate and get motivated” by some downtrodden foreign author. Nutash was already upset from before and it showed from the brisk pace in his stride. His boss might have given him a hard time. Or his wife. It was hard to say. But either ways he was determined to give me a lecture on moral ethics of work and how ‘working hard’ was very important. “Perfect!” was my only thought and I put my book down to pay attention to what he had to say.

My colleague Varun couldn't care less about Nutash. He was anyway quitting next month. He had already planned a trip to Dubai as a retirement from this lack-lustre of a company. So when Nutash started his groan to me, Varun was sitting right beside me. Again, pretending to do some quality work which was a farce, and evidently so as he was playing Farmville. So that’s the kind of boredom I’m talking about - when you start playing Farmville to pass time.

Nutash began his oration, “Sahil, you must work harder. All that I see you’re doing is sitting around and facebooking.” He then looked at Varun and said, “And no one in the organization wants to work.” Back at me, “Everyone just wants to come in the morning, sit, make cheap talks, and not work at all. I’m telling you if I was the CEO I would’ve made sure that this company was somewhere else. In our sports division, there’s so much scope to make so much money. But our CEO is one lazy douchebag who wants to just meet SRK in every event.” Imitating his CEO in a deranged parsi accent, “Nutash, why don’t we get SRK at our boxing event? Why don’t we get him for our corporate credential show?” Back to his agitated voice again “Now you tell me what SRK will do at a boxing night? Haan? Darde disco with his abs? What nonsense! Ek paise ka akal nahi che usme. Banechoddh!” Changing his tone after grasping some air “But anyway, what I’m telling you boys today is something very important. You should change your attitude or else you won’t reach anywhere in life”.

So for all this while the two of us listened like innocent school boys nodding our heads at time to time and giving him the assurance that he was on the right path to motivating us. Somewhere I did start to believe his words and realize the errors in my ways. Just when I started to retrospect about how to hasten processes in my life and get it back on the right track, Nutash said something so ironic and hypocritical I couldn't believe my ears. He bent over closer to us and very sheepishly said, “Listen, boys I have to leave early today.  By 3! You’ll finish the work na? Okkkkkayyyy great!” He then patted me on my back and walked out of the office wearing a broad shameless smile on his face for his very instrumental smoke break.

I immediately turned to Varun, who wasn't the least bit surprised at this stupidity, and shook my head in shock and said “Haaaah! What is this guy! So much for taking his words seriously”. We just burst into an uncontrollable laughter and got back to our uselessness at our respective desks.

So friends, often times when you think your boss is always right, I think it’s time stop selling yourself so short. If your life is temporarily off track, your boss has definitely derailed with some serious concussions to the brain.