How to motivate like a cow

So today my boss Nutash Mistry came up to me and saw me slacking at work. I was harmlessly beginning my mindless day by reading a book “How to motivate and get motivated” by some downtrodden foreign author. Nutash was already upset from before and it showed from the brisk pace in his stride. His boss might have given him a hard time. Or his wife. It was hard to say. But either ways he was determined to give me a lecture on moral ethics of work and how ‘working hard’ was very important. “Perfect!” was my only thought and I put my book down to pay attention to what he had to say.

My colleague Varun couldn't care less about Nutash. He was anyway quitting next month. He had already planned a trip to Dubai as a retirement from this lack-lustre of a company. So when Nutash started his groan to me, Varun was sitting right beside me. Again, pretending to do some quality work which was a farce, and evidently so as he was playing Farmville. So that’s the kind of boredom I’m talking about - when you start playing Farmville to pass time.

Nutash began his oration, “Sahil, you must work harder. All that I see you’re doing is sitting around and facebooking.” He then looked at Varun and said, “And no one in the organization wants to work.” Back at me, “Everyone just wants to come in the morning, sit, make cheap talks, and not work at all. I’m telling you if I was the CEO I would’ve made sure that this company was somewhere else. In our sports division, there’s so much scope to make so much money. But our CEO is one lazy douchebag who wants to just meet SRK in every event.” Imitating his CEO in a deranged parsi accent, “Nutash, why don’t we get SRK at our boxing event? Why don’t we get him for our corporate credential show?” Back to his agitated voice again “Now you tell me what SRK will do at a boxing night? Haan? Darde disco with his abs? What nonsense! Ek paise ka akal nahi che usme. Banechoddh!” Changing his tone after grasping some air “But anyway, what I’m telling you boys today is something very important. You should change your attitude or else you won’t reach anywhere in life”.

So for all this while the two of us listened like innocent school boys nodding our heads at time to time and giving him the assurance that he was on the right path to motivating us. Somewhere I did start to believe his words and realize the errors in my ways. Just when I started to retrospect about how to hasten processes in my life and get it back on the right track, Nutash said something so ironic and hypocritical I couldn't believe my ears. He bent over closer to us and very sheepishly said, “Listen, boys I have to leave early today.  By 3! You’ll finish the work na? Okkkkkayyyy great!” He then patted me on my back and walked out of the office wearing a broad shameless smile on his face for his very instrumental smoke break.

I immediately turned to Varun, who wasn't the least bit surprised at this stupidity, and shook my head in shock and said “Haaaah! What is this guy! So much for taking his words seriously”. We just burst into an uncontrollable laughter and got back to our uselessness at our respective desks.

So friends, often times when you think your boss is always right, I think it’s time stop selling yourself so short. If your life is temporarily off track, your boss has definitely derailed with some serious concussions to the brain.